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Jenna: Break out your wind
chimes and lava lamps; it's time to channel our inner beings! When hearing the news of our dear Alexis' metamorphosis from
soccer mom to savage split-personality whack job, we are nearly hallucinating ourselves! Accordingly, my name for this week
is Jenasha', it is my new age moniker for my journey this week to find my own split personality within myself. Am I really
a likeable, un-bitter and contemporary journalist underneath it all??? What will my meditation reveal? Joining me is Eve who
will unearth her new name too and bring us some holistic edible goodies to share, and this week they don't have sprinkles
on them! Let me welcome her by crashing on my Gong. (Jenasha running across room) Bonnnnggggggggggggggg!
(Vibrating, falling to floor.)
Eve:
Thanks Jenasha! On my way in this morning, I had an unearthly experience! This man draped in a white apron spoke to me, all
echoic, like I was in a dream...he said "its worth the trip." At first I thought he meant my "trip" to another dimension,
my journey, if you will, to my other self. And as I placed my order to the Lord of The Drive-Thru that white-aproned man in
a paper chefs cap, I knew that the Donuts were indeed Dunkin' and Goddess Evelina was born! This afternoon we will not intoxicate
our new beings with fried cake flour and candied icing spoooge...no...no, this morning it will be WHOLE wheat Donuts. I am
a new woman; I may even be two women. Who even knows?
Jenasha:
Oh my God Evelina! Did he have dark hair, a moustache and wear a baker's cap? I think I've had the same visions. I'm scared.
Hold me! Okay, deep breathing. Deep breathing. (Inhale, exhale.) While I am breathing, I think I need to start my journey,
my meditation if you will. (Closing eyes.) Eve, could you twinkle the chime please? Thank you. (Inhale) Oh yes, that is it.
Oh my. What the? Who are you? Get away! Stop! I don't want to be a fair-minded journalist. I'm scared!
(((Twinkle,
twinkle, twinkle.)))
It's 1987. We are at the
Soap Opera Digest Awards. Hey there is Luna from OLTL! Hi Luna! Oooh and over there is the fabulous Paige Turco. David and
Melanie are the best. I am a happy, happy soap journalist. I love everyone!Even the bad characters. I am nice to people. Life
is good. Soap politics don't exist.
Okay, I am going to the
bathroom because I had way, way too much tuna salad. Uh oh. There's been an accident. So I knock on the stall next to me and
it's Genie Francis, who is playing Ceara on AMC. "Could you spare a square?" I ask. She says no. We exchange words. It gets
ugly. I run out without flushing and washing hands and I run smack dab into Robin Christopher, who falls to the floor in pain.
"Watch it" She has the nerve to say. I will not forget that. People start to point and laugh.
Now I am moving on to present
day and I see that new Carly I don't like, whose name I refuse to speak of. All these men in the office are fawning over her.
I bristle in anger and shoot off an email to Nancy Grahn and tell her how much I prefer her with Sonny.
Then I tell her how I miss
the 80's so much it hurts. I have posters in my office of Trucker and Trisha, Nina and Cliff and Jessie and Angie. We complain
about youth-orientated soaps, belly shirts, female beauty and men. Out of anger, I start my new column being sure to blast
fan bases, antagonize readers and vent my frustration with the changing times.
(((Twinkle,
twinkle, twinkle)))
(Opens eyes) Oh my. Evylina,
that was a frightening journey. I hope yours is much better!
Evylina:
Ohhhh, how painful! 1987 SOD Awards*Sigh*. Awards shows are special, why I remember when I attended the Emmy's. Wow! Had I
ever arrived. "Finally" I thought "Now I can ditch this journalist gig and land a primo spot on Bold and the Beautiful. Blocked
taping meant weeks of vacation, a half-hour long meant fewer lines to read (er... remember) and mayo on the lens meant I'd
look forever 18. So my hunt for the Bells...any Bell began. I waded through the crowd and within my sights was "Cricket and Danny," I squealed with delight. We'll be besties and then I'm in! She would of course be
wooed, by my last suck up piece on the "Restless Romalotties"
Then...it happened my world
came crashing down as a tray of greasy capons flew in my lap. A heap of drunken "under fives" were brawling and football tagged
me to the ground. When I finally peeled myself from the pile I was met with a splash of champagne right in the eyes. It was...it was...Maurice Benard the young upstart star of AMC. "Whaddya mean I mumble?
I read your fluff piece, oh and I saw your audition for a replacement "Cecily". Not in this lifetime toots!"
And that's when it started,
I think, my desire to bring down GH with vitriolic and hateful criticisms couched in objectivity. Will I ever get back to
the girl I was or will I always be covered in hors d'overes
grease and perfumed in
champagne?
It's back
to basics. Back to mother earth and all her wonders! Gone are my youthful desires of stardom.
Evylina is born!
Jenasha':
So, my special little soul sister, will you let your alter take over your life? I don't know what to do. I get letters weekly
asking me why I am so resentful and bitter but part of me wants to reach back to my youth and find that young girl at the
'87 Soap Awards. I feel a cosmic connection to Alexis/Kristina Davis. For every wind chime that twinkles a mythical tune,
for every red wig worn and raspy whisper, I will be by her side, holding her hand in spirit, together as one. (putting on
red wig) This experiment has been emotionally exhausting Evylina. Pass me a whole-wheat holistic donut dear... (Sniff, sniff.)
Evylina:
(Hands Jenasha her half.) I think it's already starting. Ordinarily, when I have one donut in hand and spy the last one in
the box, I'd lick it so no one else would want it. But today it's yours! I think I see the same benevolence in Alexis. Her
eyes have been opened by that Kristina, LOL!
When I think of the many
surprising and delightful ways that former red headed menace has impacted key characters and stories, I am heartened. Who
knew Sonny's first born would be named after a doomed character whose stint barely lasted a year? Or that we would continue
to see her months upon months after she was cut loose in the form of acting vet NLG who plays the long-running character of
Alexis? Since Kristina has given us so much, I think its downright kind of Alexis to commemorate her in the form of split
personality. Can you imagine the joy on Alexis' face when she is "reintroduced" to Kristina? My spec is that Cameron will
host the moment... That's a tape day worth bronzing, Readers.
Maybe I too can maintain my new found nature?
Jenasha:
Oh I see! So we're "split" over this issue? You enjoy the re-emergence of Kristina and even LIKE her with Cameron?? What kind
of Hot Tamale is he? This is absurd! (Getting up, falling back down.) *Grunt, groan...* You know most of the time we agree
but I for one will not stand to see myself, I mean, er...Alexis in anything but a hot pairing like Sexis!! Be gone you! Take
your musical wind chimes, the lava lamps, the beanbag chairs and this unsaturated holistic faux donut and GO! (Cries) (Running
for Gong) "I'll gong you, I swear! Back off or I will gong you!"
Evylina:
Oh please! Like Cameron wouldn't have noticed Kristina and chose her over Alexis! Kristina's youth and exuberance won over
Ned...You just KNOW Kristina was their mother's favorite daughter, and I bet she would've melted the icy heart of Helena,
even. Alexis is LUCKY to have been possessed by the after-life Kristina. Maybe she'll learn a thing or two.
Sexis was
a great way to punish Sonny for throwing, spilling I mean, it was great for Maurice to be with a mature co-star. I'm glad
we campaigned... campaigned for that, but on this Alexstina issue, make no mistake that Kristina should steer Alexis from
now on. Cameron will make it happen. I've already lit the "Inspiration" scented candle and rubbed the stone with Hope etched
in it. Your gong is no match for my Patchouli oils and ancient Goddess spells.
(Licking last donut, putting back in
box.)
I feel faint, I think Evylina is leaving my spirit...I think Eve is re-emerging...
Jenna:
(Shaking shoulders) Eve! Eve wake up! What is wrong with you?! Are you there? For a minute you had me scared with all this
sappy Kristina talk! I almost gonged you! For the love of Pete woman, snap out of it. Come on, we have some Save Brenda letters
to manufacture. I officially call this meditation session over. (Runs across the room for running start.) GONNNGGGG!!! (Vibrating.)
In the meantime, look over there. (Points over Eve's shoulder)
**Dives for last donut**
Eve:
What? (Looks over there? Sees Jenna going for donut.)
Eve grabs Gong and bangs it until the vibration causes donut
box to fall to the floor. The rolling donut makes headway across the room as Jenna and Eve race for it.
Flynn
Fahey: (Clearing throat) Ladies.
(Eve & Jenna standing up straight)
Flynn
Fahey: "Instead of fighting over the last donut, could you try to attend our emergency meeting? Vanessa leaving
is going to be financially devastating for us. Hope you are ready for an all nighter to come up with ideas how to fight this
thing. GET MOVING!"
Eve: "I'll start cranking out letters right away ma'am
Jenna:
"Kiss ass"
Eve:
"Bonehead"
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