Dueling Donut
Eaters: Who Deserves Emmy? Who Doesn't? We Know!
The Dueling
Donut Eaters on the Emmy Noms: "It Pays to Be Connected!!"
It's time to sit and dish with
the Dueling Donut Eaters about the 2003 Emmy nominees! Watch
out folks, they are happy! Beware of flying honey-dips and jelly filled jubilation. Let's get started!
Thanks Jann...
Jenna:
Wow! Yeaaaah! Woohoo! Raise the roof! (Raising arms.) Evie baby, raise those arms! Raise the roof. Woohoo! Good times. Welcome
everyone to our 2003 Emmy nomination column where we go over the best and worst
selections of the daytime nominees. Joining me is Eve, and hey can you believe it Eve? Could we have picked them or what?
I haven't seen such accurate picking since I picked myself a giant shnooger that cleared my left nasal passage...
Eve:
It's a virtual cornucopia of preferred nominees. You'd think I'd picked these folks myself! I'm still in captivated awe at
the talent in the lead category. Of course asking me to choose Alexis or Phyllis to win is like choosing between my children.
It's gonna be a nail biter for sure!!!
Too bad Grahn submitted the Kristina
funeral scenes. While rolling around in her sister's ashes was moving, I don't think the panel will understand such subtle
and understated brilliance. Then there's the light of my eye Stafford. Never has such shrewish snipery been brought to the
highest echelons of acting artistry. She's so wonderful that she managed to break the "over 40 or outta there"
credo agreed upon and confirmed with an under the table handshake. There'll be lots of talk surrounding how this young gal
accomplished such a feat.
Jenna:
I feared this would happen. Having to choose between Nancy and Michelle Stafford. But then there is Susan Flannery, the perennial
nominee and fabulous at 50, and let's not forget Eileen Davidson. She has lots of stuff going for her, the aging process,
seniority, she goes to lunch with us, rumors about being a man (we can relate), and being on a CBS soap. I'm hard pressed
to pick a favorite, though how can one not be moved by Nancy Lee Grahn's stunning performance opposite an urn of ashes...?
("We interrupt our Dueling Donut
Emmy Nominee Column to bring you a paid advertisement from our sponsor, Polident Denture Cream. Polident - Keeping your smile
bright and the adhesion tight. If it ain't Polident, it ain't sticking!")
Jenna:
...which brings us to the men's category Eve. We have two huge GH nominees who we are thrilled about, mostly because of their
wonderful work opposite fellow dynamo nominee Nancy Lee Grahn. Tony Geary and Maurice Bernard...
Eve:
My favorite subject---MoTo! Can we just GIVE Nancy the
Emmy for justifying these actors existence and making them contenders for Emmy gold? Maurice submitted his scenes in the prison. Caged like an untamed animal from the
woman he loves. It was heart wrenching. Remember as she caressed his face from betwixt the bars and whispered calming words
of love. He promised to hold on...to hold on for her and their unborn children. Chilling, really.
This is when we learned that Alexis
was a ballerina in her youth and that Sonny saw many performances when he and his mother would go to the theater. That Alexis
really classed up the street toughie Sonny. This was definitely my favorite year for Maurice/Sonny, the writing was extra-creative
and dismissive of his *ho hum* history to make SEXIS happen! I mean,
why NOT have Sonny go to the theater now and then, he lived in NYC for crying out loud. Go to a show, Sonny.
Meet your Natasha.
Jenna:
I think Nancy also worked her wily charms with Tony Geary too. Some say Genie may have brought Tony to the occasion. But I
beg to differ; I think it was his scenes with Nancy. I recall one time their paths crossed at Luke's club when she was with
child. Stunning really. Among other GH nominees who were did their best work with Nancy Lee Grahn were Chad Brannon, who some
speculate was assisted by Maurice and Tamara, but I beg to differ. And of course Alicia Willis, though they rarely shared
screen time together...
("We interrupt our Donut Eaters
column for a paid advertisement by First Response Emergency Bracelets, when your life depends on it, we are just a button
away. If it's not First Response, it's not an emergency!")
Jenna:...and
yes honestly Robin Christopher is good but I don't really expect her to surpass our girl Vanny. Sorry to say. She is simply
not as good as Vanny and our Nancy, a better qualified vet who needs no sex appeal to sell herself. And SPEAKING
of RC, girlfriend how excited are you about LINDA DANO!!! Eeeeee! Raise the roof! Can I get a Woo!
Wooo!..
Eve:
Go Lindy-Poo!!! You clank those bangle bracelets all the way up that red carpet and into Mama Emmy's
lap. She is my hero. Ever since Another World went south, (*Moment of silence*)
Linda Dano has persevered unlike many other former faves--where is that Marley girl, anyway? Heh, Guess our Lindy had the
last laugh because she is thriving on ABC in crossover after crossover and now Emmy
is here. I've no doubt her flamboyance and personality will win those panellists over. I'm sorry but wannabes like Sally Spectra
need not apply, this is Dano's night.
Much like Nancy's effect on MoTo (Maurice Benard and Tony Geary), Linda has propelled Christopher into the Emmy worthy hemisphere. It's amazing what star power and real skill has done for the undeserving.
You young hopefuls out there take heed!! Hitch your star to the sturdiest bumper because it's a long rough ride to Emmy, but it's worth it. ALW was a QUICK study when she sunk her claws into
underdog but beloved fave Billy Warlock. Then hop, skip and jump right on to Burton. It really DOES work.
Vanny's fanny sells. Period. If
this Emmy show is to get viewers they better lure Vanny to appear. Word has it;
Emmy producer big wigs are negotiating a contract for her 3-hour appearance at
the awards show. Will she sign? And will it be BINDING? So far she's only giving up a half hour during the
second hour lull; she fears that a full 3-hour appearance will affect dinner with her newborn son, one-year old Kassius. If
ABC weren't so biased and hateful towards mothers then Vanny would be there. Oh well.
Jenna:
I'll eat to that! (Chomp.) Mmm...this is delicious. Anyhow, best show? Look I am so thrilled that all my faves got nominated
at GH but so glad the show didn't. After that awful NYE episode in which they tried to sell S&C as a vintage couple, no
way! Tamara really tanked that episode. Ha ha, Tamara. You didn't get nominated. Back of the line baby. Did you get the dead
roses I sent you? I certainly hope so..."S&B forever. S&A as the stale non-threat-alternative to S&B forever!
((Knock, knock.))
Jenna:
Oh hi, come on in P.J. Piddle. What's the matter? What? Oh. You're still upset about Billy Warlock? I know, I know. Here have
a donut darling, you did your best to promote him I know, there, there.. Well Eve my sprinkled soul sister, we should wrap
this up. Quick odds, is it Stafford or Grahn? (Eyeing last donut.)
Eve:
It's Sta...Its Ga...ah, hell its Flannery, DOY!
Til' Next Week, loyal POD'ers.
POD Interviews:
Brian Frons
What happens when a demo-charged
network president meets an outdated and washed up soap magazine? Find out for yourself as Brian
Frons sits down with POD!
POD:
Welcome Mr. Frons.
FRONS:
Call me Brian.
POD:
You've been getting a lot of static over our coverage of GH's Carly's sexual encounter with Ric, where we accurately highlight
what happened that night when she seduced Ric and assaulted him. Some deem it rape, we deem it Hot
Roofie love. Thoughts?
FRONS:
Look it's very important that we keep our eyes on the youth of America. Roofies
are hot and happening. Do you know that there are Roofie Parties out
there? My daughter goes to them. Fabulous! Here at ABC we are always looking out for youthful demos.
POD:
What are your thoughts on the 2002-3 Emmy nominations?
FRONS:
I'm generally pleased for GH and ABC. Happy to see that Alicia was nominated. Disappointed
in Steve and Tamara. But my personal opinion is that some of those people who WERE nominated are just plain
old.
POD:
Er...old?
FRONS:
Right. Seniors. Geriatrics. Boring. Not useful.
POD:
(Face twitching.) What makes you say that??
FRONS:
Well, look at the lead actress category. Same old broad network. Every woman there should be a "mentor" to a younger
cast-mate. You think those old coots bring in ratings?
POD:
(Digging nails into leg, biting lip.)
FRONS:
Man how old is that Flannery lady? And it took years to get that old geezer Slezak off the ballot only to be replaced by this
broad? Look it's about tomorrow, not yesterday. It's about "mentors". Soaps aren't about folks who have been around
20 years and know each other's kids. It's about what sells NOW. Do you know how hurtful it was to have to
put Vanessa in supporting?
POD:YOU put Vanessa in supporting?
FRONS:
Of course! I had to make sure she showed to the Emmy's after all, press baby, press. Look I don't want to be rude but this
PLACE is old. Look at your posters. Tina and Cord, Max and Luna, Patch and Kayla. Honey, this magazine is
OLD. It's time for a change!
FRONS:
Oh for Chrissakes! Honey, get with the program! The 80's are over! So are the 90's. It's time for you to move on. You can't
run a magazine hell bent because some couple you loved 10 years ago never reunited. Get a (*#&@ life for Chrissakes!
POD:
(Pausing.) Would you like a sip of my coffee?
Ingo Speaks Out: Save The Oil Covered Hooters!
Ingo
Radamacher, a long known activist for Greenpeace causes, has never held back from
promoting a good cause to POD. Whether it's harbor preservation, dolphin or manatee
rescue or the benefits of tofu, this glossy Aussie always manages to put his causes first.
And now he has a new cause close
to his heart:
~Oil
covered hooters.~
We asked the GH alum
about his new project.
"It's called
Hooter Preserve. I was up in Alaska protesting the Artic Drilling Proposals when the hooters jumped out at
me."
Ingo described the shocking scene:
"Slick, oil-covered,
somewhat perky hooters, but in need of gentle touch..."
That is disturbing Ingo. You
must have been frightened. How do you think oil-covered hooters should be handled?
"I think oil
covered hooters need to be preserved, fondled with care."
What other parts of Alaska did you enjoy?
"The beavers. I got to see so many on my journey. Some were wild, others native. But each one had their own
distinct characteristic."
What was the best part of observing the beavers?
"I
liked to see the beavers huddled together. In their natural habitat."
Thanks Ingo, if our readers
have any questions or donations, should they contact their local Greenpeace office.
"Absolutely.
Greenpeace has their own fund set up in my name called Ingo's Hooter and Beaver Fund, PO Box 18765 Spokane
Washington
Thanks so much Ingo for sitting
down and sharing your journey with us.
"I do my best.
Peace out!"
Back Issues of The Digesting Donut Eaters' POD/POW:
To Jenna & Eve, the brains, the beauty and the wit.To my pals from the EVIL LISTS,
the inspiration, the indignation, pictures, art work, ideas and most of all support. To the following websites for their generous
donations of pictures and screencaptures:
And last but at least legends in their own minds, thanks goes out to the REAL
Donut Eaters, they know who they are. This site couldn't exist without their generous contribution of weekly stupidity.
